Manners and Other Such Pleasantries

Sometimes I just want to give up on civilized living. I really do. These times might be when I have the audacity to enter my boys cluttered room and barely make it out alive, or when I realize that I haven't made my bed all week, or when I find my dishes in the dirt, or when we just eat popcorn for dinner - hey corn's a vegetable, or when the three year old hollers "poopoo pants" at the park and he's referring to me...and other such instances. I'll save you the stories involving potty training and surprises in closets but, lets, just say, most days, I feel like I'm trying (sometimes unsuccessfully) to convert the natives from their wild ways.

Now I'm not bragging, I'm just being honest here...manners are essential for happy family life.
When I ask my kids if they want something, they have two options: "Yes please" or "No thank you". If they don't use one of those options, they get a reminder. When I see their faces at the crack of dawn, I wish them a "good morning" and I expect to have the greeting returned. When we wrong, we apologize, when we are rude, it is noted. We say "excuse me" and "may I be excused". At dinner, we strive for an actual...conversation. When I scold my kids, the required response is "yes, mom". My boys know that girls should never be hit...or kicked...*ahem*. When my kids are complimented for their manners at the store, sometimes I get a little sad. "Thank you" just shouldn't be that rare an occurance. We aren't perfect, but dogonit we try. Manners are free, easy to teach (by example), and are mostly - a matter of habit.  These special words and greetings exhibit: selflessness, consideration for others, respect, a grateful heart and best of all: civility at it's finest without having to scrub something. Now that's a goal we could all strive for...

even if the house is a wreck and the kids can't find their socks
after you washed 6 loads of laundry
yesterday.

 You're welcome.

Discernment

In reading up on some Kreeft (Making Decisions), I discovered a gem of an examination that can be applied in the discernment on whether or not to adopt. He quotes from Thomas Aquinas and says that there are three parts to morality, and "all three parts must be good for any act to be morally good". They are:

1. The objective act itself.
2. The subjective motive/intention.
3. The relative situation, or circumstances.

He goes on to say:
"Moral laws can help you with the first part. They define which kinds of acts are good or bad, not because of your motive or intention, but because of the act itself.

The second factor in determining morality is the intention, or motive. The first factor, the nature of the act itself, is objective; the second factor, the intention, is subjective. So when people say that morality is subjective, they're partly right. But when they say it's ALL subjective, they're simply wrong. And both the objective and subjective factors are moral absolutes. We must ALWAYS have good intentions, just as me must always do good things. Hate, greed, lust, envy, sloth, wrath, pride, or despair are absolutely wrong motive, just as murder, theft, etc. are wrong deeds.

But in addition to these two absolute factors, there is a third factor, which is relative: the situation, or circumstances. These are endlessly changing, and we have to make up our own mind how best to apply the moral absolutes to relative situations..."

So. Let's apply this exercise to adoption shall we? Since he also goes on to say "All three factors must be morally right for the act to be right". Of course it would be rare to find an immoral or "wrong" adoption (except in the rare case that the child was abducted, birth-mother coerced, child is abused, a spouse overrun, or some other obvious injustice.)

1. The act of adoption is objectively good. (shwew that was easy)

2. The motive for adoption is subjectively good (most of the time). I have talked to more than a few folks about the "why they want to adopt" and low and behold, people adopt for different reasons. Some of us are infertile, some of us see a need, some of us adopt because a situation avails itself, or we hear a call from God, etc. I tend to discourage people from adopting soley out of obligation or pity because those motives don't often translate into good parenting.

3. Are the circumstances - "good"? This one. This one is the toughie as Kreeft notes above. Situations and circumstances are relative and change over time. A friend may see your adoption situation as "not good" and yet you might see it as "good". Your husband may be overrun with children *ahem* and decide "not now sweetheart".  As with deciding to grow a family biologically, there are many factors to consider in adding a child to a family. I recently heard the term "over-adopt" from a fellow adoptive parent, in which he described families who he thought had adopted too many children and lived in "utter chaos" and hoped he wasn't talking about mine. Of course that was his relative opinion. And there are lots out there. Heck, half the nation thinks the Duggars are crazy (I do not). In the end, I think people have a right to their opinions and that doesn't make them the enemy or you inept. Sometimes folks don't have all the information, wouldn't do it themselves, or simply don't understand. We had friends tell us we were bound for divorce if we went ahead with the adoption of our third kiddo - 4 kids and 10 years later and we're still married - thank you Jesus.
I doubt any family goes through an adoption without really considering if the circumstances are "good" or not. This is the sticky area I most often discuss with prospective parents in the process of discerning whether or not to adopt (again).  These honest discussions/assessments can cause lots of angst in marriage, in families, in communities. Do we have enough (time, energy, money, resources, etc.) to do this? At one point I remember having my feelings hurt because I thought we were ready - but hubs didn't agree. I presumed that he thought "I wasn't a good enough mother" and he just wanted some time. Some opinions (your spouse) should be taken into consideration - others should not (the neighbors). It's part of the process. A necessary part. Because there are lots of "goods" out there
but deciding which good
is good for you
your marriage,
(the children you may already have,)
and potential children is
relative.
 (Pun intended.)
 
Clear as mud?

You're welcome.

A pleasant book about being unpleasant to the undeserving

It was a rainy morning, and Mr. James forgot to kiss Mrs. James good-bye when he left for the office.

Mrs. James felt quite cross because of this and because the rain made the day so gray. So when Jonathan James came down for breakfast, she was sharp with him. "Oh for goodness' sake!" she said. "Why did you wear that shirt again today? It's filthy!'

The shirt looked clean to Jonathan, and he thought her unfair. Because of this and because the rain made the day so gray, he turned on Sally James when she came down for breakfast. "Can't you ever get down in time?" he said. "You'll be late to school for sure."

The clock said eight-fifteen, which was the time Sally was supposed to come down, and she though Johnathan was completely unreasonable. Because of this and because the rain made the day so gray, when Sally got to school and met her best friend, Marjorie, in the hall, she looked at her and said, "Where'd you get that awful raincoat? It looks like a boy's."

Margorie, who thought the raincoat was a beautiful shade of yellow, felt Sally was very unpleasant, and because of this and because the rain made the day so gray anyway, when she got home from school and found her little brother playing with her dolls she said "Why do I have a little sissy for a brother?"

Eddie, her little brother, always played with her dolls and she never minded before, and he thought her most unkind. Because of this and because he couldn't go outdoors to play in the rain, Eddie went to his room and shoved the dog off his bed, where the dog was sleeping.

But the dog didn't mind the rain. She thought Eddie was playing so she put her front paws down and her hindquarters up and her tail began wagging.

She pounced on Eddie and they rolled over and over wrestling together until the dog won and sat down on Eddie's chest and began licking his face.

This tickled and made him laugh, and he was laughing so hard that when Marjorie cam in looking for a pencil for her arithmetic homework, he gave her his best one with a new eraser. She was so grateful she couldn't help smiling and saying, "Thank you very much." She started out of the room and then turned back. "You really aren't a sissy," she said.

She couldn't find the paper she'd copied the problems on, and she had to call up Sally to get them. She forgot she was mad at her. "Hello, Sally?' she said, and she sounded so friendly that Sally was sorry she had said that about the raincoat. She gave Marjorie the homework and said, "It's really not so bad, that raincoat. You just have to get used to the color." Then she hung up feeling better and ran back upstairs, humming to herself.

She met Johnathan at the top of the staircase. "Hi, there Johnny," she said. "I wasn't late at all." And she smiled at him so pleasantly that Jonathan said, "I was just teasing you." "It's O.K.," said Sally.

Just then Mrs. James came into the hall. Jonathan said, "I'll put this in the laundry tonight for sure, Mom." And Mrs. James was so pleased that he remembered she said, "All right dear. I couldn't have hung the wash in all this rain anyhow. Tomorrow will do as well."

Around five o'clock the sun came out. Everything looked glistening and clean, and the birds began to sing.

just as Mr. James came home and gave Mrs. James a great warm hello kiss before he went upstairs to wash for dinner.

Sleep Much?

The twitchy tally:
Let's see. I've got a cryer, a headbanger, a sleep walker, a coupla sleep talkers, a teeth grinder, a thrasher, a snorer and some jimmy legs.

Yep. That's about it.

Oh and for the canine members you can count an itcher and a licker.

This all explains my love for
concealer.

Implications

 So the baby just turned two and you'd think I would have some kind of rehearsed response to the question people I don't know in public ask me which is: SEVEN KIDS HOW DO YOU DO IT?
I know that's a run-on sentence so don't interrupt me... In any case, I have actually pondered what that question really means and have concluded that it most likely means: what is it like?

Now I'm not the "easily offended" type because, well, I love my life and I don't feel defensive about being questioned as to what it's like to be me. Sometimes I think folks, including me, wonder if they'd be happier doing or being someone else and so they want to try on my shoes (unless they have equal to or more kids than me and they want to try on a smaller size). The quandary comes in for my response because somehow, darnit, I always blow it.

Here's the lowdown...I'm with the fancy ladies and they ask me about raising a halfadozen plus one and I'll answer "it's crazy". Later, I'll feel guilty because I've just implied that my life is nuts (which is not entirely untrue) but somehow I've also demeaned my family in some kind of effort to: curb their jealousy if it's there, evoke unnecessary sympathy, and sadly, and worst of all, exercise uncomfortable humor because how exactly, does one respond to that?  The "crazy" bit also inadvertently insults my husband and my children which isn't ideal. So here are some other options:

1. "It's wonderful." Implication: I'm some kind of lying sack of a clueless Polyanna most likely smoking medical marijuana.

2. "It's interesting." *fake giggle*.  Implication: my kids are weirdos and grow fungus in my fridge.

3.  "It's a blessing." Implication: I'm a martyr Jesus freak and I never curse or think bad thoughts or have any fun or wear lipstick.

4. "It's busy." Duh. Boooring. 
5. "It's loud." Implication: I don't have enough rugs.





I think I'll keep this'n.

No Kid Photo Post

Our 20th Anniversary getaway to Sonoma and San Francisco, California in which I resisted going entirely, snivelled all the way to the airport, and then enjoyed myself thoroughly.

St. Ignatius Church, San Francisco

Sacred Heart Chapel

Golden Gate Bridge

"Wine Vines"

Cheers to 20 years!

Sonoma Mission

The Wharf

Undies in Chinatown.

17

Babies Attack the Birthday Bunt